The Art of Missing What Isn’t Here

/ˈlɒŋɪŋ/ | noun

Dictionary definition: A strong, persistent desire or yearning for someone, something, or an experience that is absent, distant, or difficult to attain.

AJ’s interpretation: Wanting something so quietly and for so long that its absence begins to feel like part of your daily routine.

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An Address Without a House

An Original Free Verse Poem by AJ Gabriel

I have written your name
on shopping lists,
between appointments,
and in the margins
of things that have nothing to do with you.

Not with a pen, of course.

You simply appear
when I am counting change,
waiting for the kettle,
or watching strangers
reunite at railway stations.

I have become remarkably good
at carrying on.

I pay my bills,
remember birthdays,
answer messages,
and make reasonably sensible decisions
about what to have for dinner.

Nobody would suspect
that somewhere behind these routines
lives an unfinished wish
that has learned
to make itself comfortable.

At first,
I thought longing would be dramatic.

I expected sleepless nights,
unfinished letters,
perhaps a few conversations
with the ceiling.

Instead,
it turned out to be practical.

It remembers what you like.
It notices when the weather changes.
It saves little stories
for someone who may never hear them.

Sometimes,
I cannot even explain
what I am waiting for.

A person?
A place?
An answer?
A version of life
I have only ever imagined?

Perhaps all of them.
Perhaps none.

There are days
when I mistake longing for hope,
and others
when I confuse it with memory.

Both have a habit
of making promises
they are under no obligation to keep.

Still,
I have learned
not to interrogate every desire.

Some wishes have no destination.
Some questions remain unanswered
without becoming meaningless.

And some absences
are simply evidence
that something once mattered,
or might still matter
in a future I cannot yet see.

Tonight,
I will wash the dishes,
turn off the lights,
and leave tomorrow
to introduce itself.

I will not ask longing to leave.

But neither will I
set another place at the table
for something
that has not promised to arrive.

— AJ Gabriel

The Dictionary of Human Feelings | Entry 002

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A Note From AJ

Longing is an interesting emotion because it doesn’t always involve a person. We can long for a place we’ve never visited, a conversation that never happened, a different version of our lives, or even an opportunity we aren’t entirely sure we would have taken. Sometimes, what we miss isn’t something we’ve lost but something we’ve yet to experience.

I also think longing has a rather impressive talent for disguising itself as an ordinary thought. It appears while we’re doing groceries, listening to someone else’s travel plans, or imagining how differently a certain decision might have turned out. It can make the most sensible person entertain possibilities that have very little supporting evidence.

I’ve learned that wanting something deeply doesn’t mean I have to put the rest of my life on hold while waiting for it. There’s nothing wrong with having wishes that remain unanswered, provided we remember that the present deserves our attention too.

Perhaps that’s the difference between longing and waiting. Waiting expects something to arrive. Longing merely acknowledges that there is something we wish were here.

And life, being the unpredictable thing that it is, continues regardless.

AJ Gabriel
Still negotiating with the things I cannot have.

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